January 16

Naked

Today I’m feeling naked against the storm of emotions I’m experiencing. Nancy showed me a lot of love last night by trying to help me understand some of my questions. When my dad passed I received the lion share of his books. Nancy found a commentary on Mark amongst all the books I received. The exact scripture I’m struggling with was book marked by the outer jacket of the commentary. It appears dad was studying this scripture. I read what the commentator wrote and only found myself angrier then when I started. I’m not sure if my feelings hindered my ability to grasp what was being said. I found the information to be the same as the type of solutions I’ve heard my whole life growing up in the church. Whenever something isn’t currently possible or we doubt that it is the church answer is that the particular scripture was only meant for the apostles. What a bunch of bull.

I’m angry, sad, lost and completely enraged at God. The doubt get’s deeper everyday. I keep seeing things in scripture that anger me. I want answers but none are there or the answer is, “he is God, he can do whatever he wants”. So does that mean God can compromise my free will whenever he wants? Does it mean he made miracles cease after the apostles were gone? Does it mean he could reenact miracles whenever he wants? If so does he selectively choose who gets a miracle? If so what are the qualifications?

I would think a man who has humbled himself as completely as my dad and had dedicated his life to studying, serving, teaching and loving God would meet the qualifications. But I guess God didn’t think so. So dad looses his wife unexpectedly, then his mother and then finds out he has 5 years to live because of some freaking breathing disease called PPH. Okay so we all start adjusting to a 5 year expectancy and God say’s “Fooled yah!” and takes him that same year. What kind of bullshit is that God? Why hell would you do that? Did you think the lost in dad’s family would come running to you? They’ve only grown further from you and nothing good has happened yet. So good job!! God your brilliance is stunning!

I don’t care what others think about this post. I have a right to pissed at God. Haven’t you ever been pissed off at a loved one? It’s all part of the growing pains in a relationship. If God wants my love he’s going to have to take some of my anger, doubt and sadness as well. It’s only fair. We take not only his love but also his wrath, anger and judgment. There are two sides to every emotion. Right now God is getting my unfiltered emotions.

Besides that, if we believe he knows all things, than he knew these thoughts and feelings before I was even able to grasp them. More than that he knew before he let dad die that I would have these feelings. After all he knows the past, present and future right? So this shouldn’t be unexpected by him. He’s a big boy I’m sure he can handle the rage of one lowly human.